Striving for Excellence

I strive to be an excellent parent. My own mother was sub-par so I have a bit of a handicap to overcome. I am always looking for ways to improve with books or parenting classes.

I am currently reading "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. So far it is really informative. It is also quite eye-opening to me about my parenting mistakes, and change-inspiring.

Chapter one dealt with children's feelings and the tendency adults have to discredit and brush off those feelings. Some examples are:
                                           
"You don't really feel that way."
"You're just saying that because you're tired."
"There's no reason to be upset."

We also as adults often address an angry outburst from a child with admonition and correction and neglect to give the child a safe place to express themselves and share how and why they feel a certain way.

"Steady denial of feelings can confuse and enrage kids. [It] also teaches them not to know what their feelings are - not to trust them."

There are many ways people "listen" and respond to the feelings of others and these ways sadly do not really involve much "hearing".

Denial of feelings - There's no reason to be upset, you're being silly
Philosophy - That's the way life is
Advice - If I were you I would _____
Questioning
Defense of the other person
Pity
Amateur psychoanalysis

These types of responses often lead a person to feel defensive, devalued, judged and/or just plain pitiful and silly. The best response is one of empathy and understanding. Instead of denying a child's feelings or trying to explain them away, solve them, or shame the child for even feeling certain ways, its better to listen and acknowledge. The authors suggest the following:

Listen with full attention, meaning mute or pause the tv, put down that cellphone or book, turn away from the computer, etc.
Acknowledge their feelings with a word, such as "oh", "I see", "mmhmm", etc.
Help give their feelings a name, such as "that's very frustrating", "that can be overwhelming", etc.
Give them their wishes in fantasy, such as "I see you don't like eating vegetables, I wish we could eat ice cream for breakfast lunch and dinner." or "I see chores really make you angry, don't you wish we could just let the dishes and dirty clothes pile up around us."

Every moment of parenting doesn't have to be a teachable moment. Sometimes a person just needs to be able to express their feelings without reproach and to feel they are heard and understood and not judged. Showing the children in your life that you value their feelings and are willing to listen to them without always judging or giving advice leads to better communication because they will feel safe.

I found the first chapter to be really useful. I have been using these methods with my two sons. Sometimes I do feel silly saying "You seem to be angry" to my child when they say something unkind or stomp up the stairs. Sometimes my first instinct is to admonish, "that's not nice" or "you may not stomp around". However, I do notice that when I acknowledge their emotions instead of attack their behavior, it defuses the situation and gets them to express themselves beyond angry displays and hurtful words.

To me, parenting is more than just controlling little people so they less annoying. Its about developing a relationship that will last a lifetime. Its also about the end product of well-adjusted, productive members of society. Listening to my children will also help them learn to listen to others.